Today

   Today. I woke up about 3 times during the night it felt like every muscle in my body was twisting and turning for the fun of it, and it felt kind of like the burn after a long run only this burning doesn't go away. Usually if you wake up twisting it is going to be an all day twisting and I have to learn to deal with the pain that it brings. Even my chest and rib cage feel like they are twisting. My hands are so shaky I dare not do the dishes because there probably wouldn't be one that is not broken after I have finished, but I try to do what I can.
   I will not lie there are sometimes I feel ashamed at how little I do around the house to help my wife. Today she willingly got up and is going to finish cleaning my parents house, by the way It is something she enjoys it get her out of the house and she gets to spend time talking to our Daughter. She mowed yesterday, which incidentally is one of her favorite things to do. I am sorry if this may be mistake filled, but like I said my hands are shaky. I am not going to change it because I want it ti be authentic, So if you are grammar Police I am sorry I would like you to read my story for what it is, and have compassion on someone today that may not be as fortunate as you are.
  Sometimes we get so caught up in our lives we forget that there are those that are suffering much
worse than we are.
  My sister has had Dystonia since she was sixteen, and was not able to walk for a good portion of her life. She had the D.B.S. Surgery and she was able to walk for a time, and I know that she is thankful for that, but then her battery died and the Doctors were not able to get her in to get it changed quickly enough, so the Dystonia reverted back. She is not well, but she is grateful for what she does have, and that is something that I am learning, and will continue to learn. When I got this Illness my first emotions were anger, frustration, and feeling sorry for myself, which I admittedly sometimes still do even after having the disease for almost 10 years.
   I doubt my self-worth still I get discouraged, and I know that I am never supposed to get depressed, but there are days when the darkness seems so great I do not want to get out of bed, because of the feeling of worthlessness, and that I think those around me would be better off if I was not around holding them back from the life they could have if I was not in it. Those thoughts are there they linger in the back of my head, and I do not think they will ever go away, and yes I am not afraid to admit sometimes I cry, even though men are not supposed to in this culture, I am not persuaded of that theory, but I cannot let those thoughts consume me, or I never would get out of bed.
   I thank God for the  encouraging people he has placed in my life, and he encourages me daily. This is still a tough disease to battle because my medicine is always getting switched it gets rather expensive going to the doctor every month, and knowing more than half of your income goes to the medical profession, but that is something I cannot change no matter how much I want to.
   so as you go through your day encourage someone, put a smile on there face. You do not know what they might be going through so do not pretend that you do. be thankful for the health that you have. I may have woke up with pain, but that is how I know I am alive. There are many people who didn't wake up today. Go enjoy the sunshine if you can for the rain, snow and winter are sure to come.
   This is why I say to anyone who asks "How are you doing today", I am struggling, and I am not sure that will always be my answer,b ut for now that is the only thing I know how to describe the mental, financial, and physical toll that this disease takes, but through it all I have something to be thankful for today! I woke up. God Bless
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