Aspiring Poet, heartfelt thoughts.I Have Dystonia, bipolar, and an Avid Southern Gospel Music fan

 Life can often feel overwhelming, especially when we are grappling with our own set of challenges. Whether it's managing a chronic illness, dealing with mental health issues, or navigating personal crises, our problems can become all-consuming. It's natural to focus inward when we are struggling, but sometimes, in doing so, we can forget to look up and see that others around us are facing battles of their own. When we are in the throes of our difficulties, it's easy to believe that our problems are the center of the universe. Yet, taking a step back and looking around can offer a refreshing perspective. Everyone has their own story, their own struggles, and their own moments of despair. By acknowledging this, we can cultivate empathy and understanding, which not only benefits others but also enriches our own lives. Helping others can be a powerful antidote to our own pain. Acts of kindness, no matter how small, can create a ripple effect that spreads positivity and hope. W...

 So, I had another riveting session with my psychiatrist recently, and let's just say, the news wasn't exactly a ticker-tape parade of joy. She looked at me with that professional but concerned face and said, "Your mental health condition is progressing." And I thought to myself, "Great, now it's ambitious!" I asked her the million-dollar question: "Can I go back to work?" She responded with a strict "no" so definitive that even my coffee cup looked disappointed. Apparently, my brain has decided to take a more scenic route through life, with lots of unexpected detours and pit stops. It's like having a GPS that says, "In 100 feet, take the exit to Crazy town." But let's sprinkle a bit of humor into this mental health cocktail, shall we? After all, if you can't laugh at your own brain, who can you laugh at? Living with manic depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and those ever-delightful dystonic spasms is l...

 Imagine this: a group of bananas sitting around discussing the best ways to navigate a bunch of grapes. One banana, let's call him Bob, starts talking about how to deal with grape-induced anxiety. Bob is a perfectly ripe banana, mind you—never been near a grape in his life. But here he is, giving advice to the rest of the bananas on how to handle grape-related stress. Sounds ridiculous, right? Well, welcome to the world of mental health advocacy by those who’ve never experienced a mental illness! Picture a coconut trying to explain to a banana how to peel itself. The coconut, with its hard shell and completely different insides, has no idea what it's like to be a banana. But still, it insists on giving advice. “Just peel back your skin! It’s simple!” says the coconut. Meanwhile, the banana is left thinking, “If only it were that easy, Mr. Coconut.” This is what it feels like when someone without mental illness tries to speak on behalf of those who do. They have no clue what it...

   Living with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, manic depression, and dystonic spasms is a complex and challenging experience, especially when it impacts my ability to maintain employment. Losing a job due to these intertwined conditions is not only a blow to my financial stability but also to my self-esteem and mental well-being. Schizophrenia and bipolar disorder drastically alter my perception, mood, and behavior. Schizophrenia can cause hallucinations, delusions, and disorganized thinking, making it hard to function in a typical work environment. Bipolar disorder brings extreme mood swings, from manic highs to depressive lows, affecting my energy levels, decision-making, and social interactions. Manic depression exacerbates these mood swings, making the highs and lows even more intense. When these mental health issues are compounded by dystonic spasms, which cause painful and involuntary muscle contractions, the physical toll further hinders my ability to perform job tasks...

Dealing with Quite a bit at the moment still on Disability, which doesn't cover bills. I back date bills instead of ballots so we can kind of get groceries. my whole family has covid, and I am the only on that is Asymptomatic. My wife has been running a fever on and off for about 2 weeks, my Daughter who they think has Addison Disease has had it about the same length of time. Losing sense of taste and smell. Reminds me of the flu, but my wife has had the flue worse. Being Quarantined doesn't really change my life much because I do not go many places these days. My Dystonic has gotten better not as much Twisting on the outside, but still have the twisting and turning on the inside, and the mental side of it as I have expressed before is probably worse. So Much Stress at the moment doesn't help, but we will get through it, Talked to my therapist and psychiatrist and that helps along the way. any encouragement from people helps. I am thankful for my , brother Isaac and his wif...

 Isn't interesting how the choices that we have made that we didn't know would effect our lives have, and decisions that others made for us effected them as well. We all look back, at least I do and wonder if a decision I made was the wrong one and f I had made another one would the outcome been different, but then I think this is the life I have been given it could have been taken from me at any time, there is not guarantee of a tomorrow. I may have a few mental and health problems, but who doesn't have a little crazy in them, and what is normal your normal is different from my normal so who can define what normal is?   I do believe normal to be the Garden of Eden, but now everyones normal is different. Dystonia and what ever other mental problems I have are not fun it is a struggle for me everyday to get out of bed knowing that I still cannot go to work like I used to, but I have to do it. no one knows except those who have it the mental toll it takes to go day after day ...

I am not going to lie. I have had 2 months that have not been good on the physical or mental side. I do not want to be on disability, I do not want to depend on the government to try to take care of me, and I cannot seem to wrap my mind around the disease that I have.   No one even wants to give a chance to someone with my condition, why? am I that worthless? It is beginning to look that way to me. There is no one other than those that have this disease that can relate. they say they "understand. but they don't how can they. Family doesn't understand if the symptoms are not the same.    I am struggling to put into words what I feel, but it can be very difficult at times, because I am not sure what is going on. There are some days I do not believe I have Dystonia and should be able to stop all of the pain, storms, and everything that comes along with it. Is this Disease even real or is it something I have created in my mind?    I cannot convey to you in this a...

I have not written about much in awhile, probably because I do not have much to say, but I can put into words what I am feeling much more than I can explain them to someone. This time of year "The Holidays", for me is a tough time.   At one Time I had a Job so I could afford to give my grandchildren gifts, and see their faces when they opened them, and now it is difficult if not almost impossible to do so because everything goes up except my income.   This year has been Particularly hard because I have had new symptoms arise and they can prevent me from attending family functions. One such symptom is lately I have been waking up, and I do not recognize my surroundings, and nothing that I see looks familiar, and it is a very frightening experience. I do not recognize my wife or anyone in my recent past for some reason my mind seems to be stuck on an age when I was around 4 to five. I can remember vividly seeing my grandpa, but he passed away about 37 years ago, but in my min...

Went to my Doctors Appointment yesterday. He asked if i had any new symptoms since I was there last, I chuckled, with this disease there are always new symptoms things you never expect to happen.  Like a couple of weeks ago my legs just gave out I grabbed a door and went sprawling into a bedroom, who saw that coming. I have had a muscle in my back that has been twisted for about a 2 weeks goes from my back down to through my leg. So I never can describe all the new symptoms that I have had because there are always new ones and I do not remember them all.    When I went on disability I had to take on medicare as my primary insurance, and they do not pay much found that out when my doctor told me what my balance was for appointments going back to May, and I went on Medicare in April. So now we have to try to come up with the money by the end of the year for the remaining balance for the Doctor.   Meanwhile our car is in the shop again, which makes 10 times this year...

I had to go on disability three years ago today, and I was proficient in PHP, CSS, Python, Helped schools with WordPress issues, and set up and designed networks using DHCP  and also DNS worked with them helping with web design and front end and all of the backend work as well    Dystonia does not allow me to use those skills that I worked so hard to perfect, and it feels like all the time and effort I put in was wasted because now I can do it if i could do it. There are some days that I am fine and feel like I could go back to work and resume right where I left off and then there are other days that I couldn't     This is mentally taxing and discouraging knowing that you can do something, but not get the opportunity to do it. I actually loved what I was doing, and it was providing a decent living for my family, and now I cannot. I feel I have let them down because I am supposed to look out for them and there well being, but with everything getting so expensiv...

 Today my anxiety is at about Level 9 not sure why, but then again there never is a understanding of why things happen, and that was conveyed by my doctor yesterday, He said "your brain is wired differently than anyone else " so I am uniquely and wonderfully made although some would argue about the wonderful part.    It is frustrating to go to a doctor and have them tell you that there are no answers. They do not know why I cannot feel electricity, or why I have storms at different times, or why my muscles twist and move at random, why anxiety comes with this disease, but the one thing he did tell me is that I am one of the most resistant people he has ever met to modern medicine, and that is because of the way my brain is wired, I picture little black and white wires running through my brain. is what he says.   today I cannot figure out what is in my head I just feel trapped inside of it and not able to make sense of anything going on. I cannot take what is g...

  I know that this title may be weird to some of you and that is understandable, but it is true I fight with myself mentally most of the time, there are sometimes that it is worse than others, but it is always there.    The fight always seems to be what my body thinks I can do and what my mind thinks I can do. I will never forget when I went back to the doctor expecting him to release me to go back to work and he didn't. I fully expected that I was going back to work and nothing would change, and I still and persuaded sometimes that this whole disease is something I made up somehow I should be able to stop the tremors, and resume a normal life, but the doctor said my eyes told a different story I really wasn't there. I had times when I couldn't remember what the doctor had said and I was stunned when he told me I was not cleared to work, or was I.    I have times where I doubt this whole Dystonia thing is real, and I need to get back to work like I am suppo...

   One Very new symptom for me to understand was stress. before I got this disease I really did not get "stressed" about things because I didn't understand it. I would go through my day and whatever would happen would happen, and I would leave it at work, and I would come home and my wife would be under stress, and I can remember asking her why? This disease gave me the answer I was looking for in that category.    Things that most people would not consider stress I , or should I say my mental state has caused me to see as stress, and when a Dystonic patient has extra stress added to there daily routine they are likely to feel worse and have more storms. For me any type of argument is hard for me to take if it is real, my brain does not deal with it well, and I do not know if this is the case with my other siblings or if this is just me. I can tell if 2 people are playfully arguing, but when it gets into a heated discussion my body brain goes crazy, and that is when...

Imagine if you will that in the blink of an eye everything you knew changed. Everything you could do every exercise you enjoyed, every sport you Loved to play, and your job, that you say you hate, but really you don't want SSDI, was taken away. Put yourself there for a minute or even a second. Picture what your life would be like, the drastic changes that would have to be made the financial cuts of things you enjoyed were no longer affordable. If you played an instrument you may not be able to play it with this disease there is no end to what it can effect, or a sport you loved to play, no longer even an option, and all in a span of about 12 hours. This is my life.   This is the reality for every Dystonia patient and if they are old enough to remember they remember when everything changed. for me it was October 16, 2016. I started like a normal day except I had ear pain. I went to work thinking nothing of it assuming that it was one of my ear infections that I usually once or ...

I have yet another doctors appointment tomorrow at 9 in the morning. It seems to me that all I do is visit doctors. I think I keep the medical field in business or at least keep my doctor in his Mercedes. This time it is to discuss new medication for my Neuropothy, or at least that is what they think it is. I think my mental state is I have given up on doctors try to sort out what I have and what I do not have,  at this point I think they are just coming up with big words to describe symptoms that they cannot explain.     So far no one has been able to explain why or what causes a Dystonic storm they just know it is not an epileptic seizure, and that it is not a seizure of any kind. It just when the brain desides to throe random signals around in your brain that cause your arms and legs to twist, and it causes some type of mental issues when it does, but in there defense the brain is very complex. I just wish sometimes they would say that they did not know, but as for an...

I woke up this morning in an extraordinary amount of pain. The Neuropothy is still bothering me so it felt like mt skin was on fire, However the Dr. changed my medicine I am doing somewhat better in that regard.   I couldn't feel my left leg or my right had so I positioned myself in a way that I could see why. as it turns out my arm had turn itself all the way around at some point in the night and my leg had done the same thing so I little to no circulation in either. I used my left arm to turn my hand back around so it was normal again, talk about painful, I could feel my arm when I turned it around into the correct position. Turning my leg was a little but harder because I could feel my hip twisting which in turn probably caused the rest of my leg to twist. After awhile I managed to get myself untwisted, but I am still sore from that ordeal.This is not unusual for a Dystonia patient may times I find myself dreaming about having a Dystonic storm and sure enough when the pain...