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Fighting With Myself

  I know that this title may be weird to some of you and that is understandable, but it is true I fight with myself mentally most of the time, there are sometimes that it is worse than others, but it is always there.
   The fight always seems to be what my body thinks I can do and what my mind thinks I can do.
I will never forget when I went back to the doctor expecting him to release me to go back to work and he didn't. I fully expected that I was going back to work and nothing would change, and I still and persuaded sometimes that this whole disease is something I made up somehow I should be able to stop the tremors, and resume a normal life, but the doctor said my eyes told a different story I really wasn't there. I had times when I couldn't remember what the doctor had said and I was stunned when he told me I was not cleared to work, or was I.
   I have times where I doubt this whole Dystonia thing is real, and I need to get
back to work like I am supposed to. Then the tremors start and I fight with myself trying to get them to stop and my mind fights against my body, and it is an odd place to find oneself.
   I know that this disease is not made up because some of the storms that I have had no one could possibly contort themselves the way I had, but there still is doubt in the back of my mind that if I could control the mental part of the disease that all of this would go away. As I write this I am fighting, contemplating weather this disease is mental and I can stop it, or physical and I cannot stop it. Can I go back to work and be a productive member of society or am I really disabled and not able to work. I know what the Doctor has told me, and I know what members of my family have told me, but I still know all the things that I did when I was working. Why can't I stop this?
     It is a disease, but the fighting with myself will continue because my mind wants to do things that my body will not allow me to do. I go to bed one night and then the next morning I can't get myself up because I feel what I call fuzzy, and my body just will not work. Is that mental, physical, or both. I have times when I think I am perfectly capable of going somewhere, but I have to rely on my wife to tell me weather I can or I can't  do something because I really do not know.
     It can be very frustrating because I know what the doctors have said about the disease it affects you mentally and it affects you physically. I guess my mind and my body do not work in harmony together they make up a disease known as Dystonia, and it is a real disease. Even if I cannot convince myself of it. I know I have to take medicine for it or I will be in trouble physically even if I just miss one dose of it, but at the same time I find myself getting angry because I have made up a disease that I should never have had in the first place, and the Doctors, many Doctors that have told me I have the disease, my family members, and my wife have to be wrong because I do not have the disease.
   The brain is very complex, and I can imagine that anyone who has it can say that they have wondered or even fought with themselves over weather this disease is real or if somehow I have made it up.
    I have had this struggle today, and it will continue, but it helps me to write about it so other people may know a little bit of what is going on in the mind of a Dystonia patient, or better put I guess this Dystonia Patient.
    I do encourage anyone with Dystonia to comment on any articles where you share the same symptoms or the symptoms are close. If you are going through this you are not alone there are many people with this disease. I am just one of many, but I want to raise awareness that it takes many forms. God Bless

Comments

  1. R MerrSeptember 11, 2019 at 5:48 PM

    YES! I use to get out of bed and try to make myself walk because this life just surely couldn’t be real, and I had doctors telling me that with the power of positive thinking-I’d be fine. Then I got a name..a diagnosis. However, that didn’t change the battle within myself. I thought it would. There are times during a seizure that I tell myself that I CAN and WILL make it stop. I’m sure you know the results of that. I’ve never known if perhaps this inner fight is so bad because for 13 years, I was told there was nothing wrong with me. I still withhold certain symptoms from my doctor because of what happened when I was young. However, my brain argues with other things during a seizure, too. There is something within me that always seems to tell my body that what it’s going through isn’t real...I will never understand it. However, it’s true...and has been since I was 16 years old.

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