A little look into Mental Instability

   Living with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, manic depression, and dystonic spasms is a complex and challenging experience, especially when it impacts my ability to maintain employment. Losing a job due to these intertwined conditions is not only a blow to my financial stability but also to my self-esteem and mental well-being.

Schizophrenia and bipolar disorder drastically alter my perception, mood, and behavior. Schizophrenia can cause hallucinations, delusions, and disorganized thinking, making it hard to function in a typical work environment. Bipolar disorder brings extreme mood swings, from manic highs to depressive lows, affecting my energy levels, decision-making, and social interactions. Manic depression exacerbates these mood swings, making the highs and lows even more intense. When these mental health issues are compounded by dystonic spasms, which cause painful and involuntary muscle contractions, the physical toll further hinders my ability to perform job tasks effectively.

One of the most debilitating aspects of these conditions is the mental fog and the sensation of mentally fading in and out. There are times when my thoughts become so clouded that I struggle to form coherent sentences or follow simple instructions. This brain fog makes it nearly impossible to concentrate on tasks, remember important information, or make decisions. It's like trying to see through a thick mist that obscures everything in my mind.

These episodes of mental fog can come and go unpredictably, making it difficult to plan my day or stick to a schedule. I might be in the middle of a task when suddenly, my mind just shuts down, and I'm left staring blankly, unable to remember what I was doing or why. This inconsistency is incredibly frustrating and makes me feel unreliable, which only adds to the stress and anxiety that exacerbate my symptoms.

Losing a job under these circumstances feels like a personal failure, even though it's a result of factors beyond my control. The stigma associated with mental health issues and neurological disorders makes it even harder to find understanding and support from employers, leading to feelings of isolation and hopelessness.

The intersection of mental health and physical symptoms creates a vicious cycle for me. Stress and anxiety about job performance and job security exacerbate my dystonic spasms, while the physical pain and discomfort from the spasms increase the severity of my mental health symptoms. Managing either condition becomes more difficult, leading to a downward spiral of declining health and employability.

In my own experience, my psychiatrist has explicitly stated that I cannot work due to the severity of my conditions. Hearing this was a heavy blow, underscoring the limitations imposed by my health. It’s a stark reminder of how these illnesses can dictate aspects of life that many take for granted, like the ability to work and support oneself.

  I continue to try and find remote work that I can do because Living on Disability has become almost impossible. I am thankful for my families understanding of the disease, or I should say some of them to be more clear, and a Wife that stays by my side no matter what! this is what helps me get through each day.