Everywhere I look, I see reminders of the perfect holiday: smiling faces, glittering decorations, and laughter ringing out like a song I can’t quite sing. And I want to feel that joy. I try to feel that joy. But some days, it feels impossible to climb out from under the weight of my own mind.
The Pressure to Be “Okay”
There’s an unspoken rule during the holidays: you smile, you celebrate, and you show up. But what if you don’t have it in you? What if your heart is too heavy, your thoughts too chaotic, or your body too exhausted to keep up?
Manic depression is a cruel companion. On some days, mania whispers in my ear, pushing me to do everything—to buy all the gifts, bake all the treats, decorate every corner of my space. I become consumed by the need to create a perfect holiday. But then, like clockwork, the crash comes.
Depression doesn’t knock; it barges in. The lights that once seemed magical now feel mocking. The laughter feels distant, like it belongs to someone else’s world. And the worst part? Everyone expects you to push through, to keep the smile plastered on your face, even as you feel like you’re crumbling inside.
The Noise Inside and Out
The holidays are loud. Crowded stores, endless carols, and bustling gatherings—all of it can make my head spin. But the loudest noise is inside me. The racing thoughts, the anxiety about not being enough, the guilt over feeling like I’m letting everyone down—it’s deafening.
And then there’s the grief. This time of year brings memories of loved ones who aren’t here anymore. I can’t help but think of my granddaughter Hallie Marie, her beautiful presence missing from every family moment. My heart aches in a way that words can’t capture.
The Grace That Holds Me
If I’m honest, there are moments when I wonder how I’ll make it through. But then I remember: I don’t have to rely on my own strength. God’s grace has carried me through every storm so far, and I trust that it will carry me through this one too.
2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” Those words aren’t just comforting—they’re life-saving. When I’m too weak to take another step, God steps in. His strength becomes my anchor.
Learning to Let Go
Over the years, I’ve learned that I don’t have to meet the world’s expectations for the holidays. I don’t have to create the perfect moment or force myself to feel something I can’t. Instead, I focus on what truly matters: holding onto my faith, cherishing the people I love, and finding small pockets of peace wherever I can.
I’ve learned that it’s okay to say no. It’s okay to rest. It’s okay to let tears fall when they come, knowing that they don’t make me weak—they make me human.
To Those Who Struggle
If you’re reading this and nodding through your own tears, I want you to know you’re not alone. You don’t have to fake a smile or carry this weight on your own. Let God’s grace meet you where you are. Lean into Him, even when it feels like the darkness is too much.
The holidays may never be easy for people like us, but they can still hold meaning. They remind us of a Savior who entered this broken world to bring hope and healing. And someday, we’ll celebrate with Him in a place where manic depression, anxiety, and grief have no power.
Until that day, I’ll keep holding on to His promises, one moment at a time. And with His grace, I know I’ll make it through—tears, struggles, and all.
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