How People Should Really be Hired; A parallel Universe

 The Employer’s Gauntlet: An Interview Saga

Imagine a parallel universe where employers must endure the same endless gauntlet of interviews that job seekers face. In this world, a hiring manager named Mr. Dingleberry found himself nervously adjusting his tie as he prepared for yet another interview—not to hire someone, but to keep his job posting open.

As he waddled into the sleek glass conference room, he was greeted by a panel of sharply dressed candidates, all armed with clipboards, tablets, and icy glares. One of them, a stern-looking woman named Ms. Patel, motioned for him to sit.

“Mr. Dingleberry,” she began, her tone sharper than a paper cut, “why should we trust you with the power to post jobs? What makes you think you’re qualified to run this job listing?”

Dingleberry blinked rapidly, his mind racing. “Well, I’ve been in hiring for over 15 years—”

“Ah, but how many quality hires have you made?” interrupted a bearded man with a clipboard. “We’re looking for someone who can inspire candidates, not scare them off with phrases like, ‘We’re a family here.’ Care to explain?”

“Uh, well, I—uh,” Dingleberry stammered, trying to remember his corporate buzzwords. “I’m... a people person?”

“Next question!” snapped a third panelist, her nails clicking ominously on her tablet. “Describe a time you ruined a candidate’s life by scheduling a third-round interview just to tell them you went with an internal hire.”

“Uh, I wouldn’t put it that way,” Dingleberry muttered, sweat pooling in his collar.

“Oh, so you have done it,” Ms. Patel interjected, scribbling furiously.

Dingleberry reached for the water bottle in front of him, only to freeze when one of the panelists whispered, “Don’t touch that—it’s a test.” His hand retreated like a cat from a cucumber.

The questions kept coming, each one hitting harder than the last:

“Where do you see this job posting in five years?”

“What’s your greatest weakness as an employer—besides offering unpaid internships?”

“How do you justify asking for ten years of experience for an entry-level role?”

By the time the two-hour inquisition ended, Dingleberry stumbled out of the room looking like a wilted houseplant. Outside, another employer waiting in the hall—Ms. Butterchurn—gave him a sympathetic look.

“How’d it go?” she asked, balancing a precarious stack of corporate brochures.

“Brutal,” Dingleberry croaked. “I’m starting to think we’re the problem.”

“Yeah,” Butterchurn sighed, shaking her head. “They made me write a 10-page essay about why I listed ‘teamwork’ as a core value. I think I pulled a muscle in my dignity.”

Back in the real world, job seekers can only dream of such sweet revenge. But maybe—just maybe—if employers were grilled like this, they’d finally understand the insanity they put applicants through. And wouldn’t that make the hiring process better for everyone?

At least, that’s what Dingleberry thought as he Googled, “Top 10 answers to employer interview questions” on his way to his next panel.

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