If I Had the Money, I Wouldn’t Be Here: A Rant on Job Boards and "Getting Noticed"

Ah, job hunting. That magical time when you wake up every morning, grab a cup of coffee, and prepare yourself for another day of sending résumés into the abyss—where they will never be seen, acknowledged, or even pitied.

But don’t worry! The job boards have a solution for you. No, not actual jobs—why would they do that? Instead, for the low, low price of "only" $19.99 a month, you can boost your visibility and stand out to top employers!

Oh, fantastic! If only I had $19.99 to spare, I’d definitely spend it on making my résumé sparkle. But funny enough, I don’t have $19.99 because, oh yeah—I DON’T HAVE A JOB.

The “Only” Scam

I love how these services always say the price is only a certain amount.

• Only $9.99 a month!
• Only $29.99 for premium!
• Only my remaining will to live and a pint of my own blood!

Wow, such a bargain. Let me just check my financial situation real quick—oh look, I have exactly four cents and a crumpled receipt from Taco Bell.

Here’s a radical thought: If I had "only" money to spend, I wouldn’t be desperately scrolling through job listings at 2 AM wondering where I went wrong in life.

The Résumé Writing Racket

And just when you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the résumé-writing services show up like a used car salesman at a funeral.

"Want a job? Your résumé is probably garbage. Lucky for you, for just $199, we’ll fix it!"

Oh, will you now? What exactly are you going to fix? Because I already spent six hours formatting my résumé in Microsoft Word, adding bullet points, and making sure my work history sounds way more impressive than it actually was.

But sure, let’s pay some random “professional” to rewrite it in a way that guarantees nothing.

• Instead of "Worked at the front desk," now it’s "Managed front-line administrative operations to enhance client engagement strategies."
• Instead of "Made coffee," it now says "Leveraged beverage distribution methodologies to optimize workplace morale."
• Instead of "Desperate for employment," it subtly hints "Totally thriving and not in a financial crisis."

Wow. So fancy. So hireable. And yet… still unemployed.

The Pay-to-Win Job Market

At this point, the job market is basically a pay-to-win game, except I have no coins, no power-ups, and the game is rigged against me anyway.

You’d think hiring managers would be the ones paying attention to job seekers, but nope! Instead, they’ve outsourced their entire existence to AI-powered filtering systems that reject you before a single human ever lays eyes on your résumé.

Oh, and let’s not forget the joy of job applications themselves.

• Upload your résumé.
• Now manually type in everything that was on your résumé.
• Now answer a 45-minute personality test.
• Now take this mandatory skills assessment that has nothing to do with the job.
• Now submit a cover letter, references, a blood sample, and a short essay on why you want to work for us.
• Now wait six weeks for an automated rejection email—or worse, radio silence.

And if you dare follow up on your application? Well, congratulations! You’ve just entered the black hole of hiring, where emails go unanswered, voicemails get deleted, and LinkedIn messages are left on read.

A Modest Proposal

Here’s an idea—instead of making job seekers pay to get noticed, how about fixing the hiring process?

• How about job boards stop charging desperate people for visibility like it's a VIP nightclub?
• How about hiring managers actually respond to applications instead of ghosting candidates like a bad Tinder date?
• How about companies post salaries upfront so I don’t waste my time applying for a job that pays in “company culture” and free coffee?

But no, instead, we get paywalls, AI filters, and the privilege of paying real money to be ignored.

Well, guess what? If I had the money, I wouldn’t be here.