My Only Hope

  It is becoming more and more difficult to maintain a positive outlook the longer the disease goes on. When I first learned that I would not be able to go back to work, it was only for a week. I thought after that week I would be back at work and everything would return to normal, but at my second doctors appointment the doctor told me I was not strong enough to go back to work, and I needed to consider short term disability. I did not even want to consider it, but he would not give me clearance to go back to work. I did what he told me to do and filed with my employer for short term disability, and again I thought after the short term disability length was over I would go back to work, and my job would be safe because they have to hold it for you when an employee is on short term disability.
   I went back to the doctor and he sent me to a neurologist, and then I got a second opinion from another neurologist. so at this point I have 3 doctors telling me I can't work and will probably never work again, and I needed to get on with filing for permanent disability
   The News was devastating to me never in my wildest imagination would I have thought I would never work again, it is built in to a man to want to provide for his family, and now that is and has been taken away it is very hard to deal with, and before you judge to harshly just put yourself in my shoes, and then you will become understanding.
    It now has been almost three years since I have have worked. I have kept up with the technology in hopes of getting a work from home job, but those hopes look slimmer everyday. It is easy to look at someone's situation and tell them what they should do, but it is entirely different if you are in the situation. I have been told that I need to find a job because the Bible says if a man doesn't work he should not eat. I also have been told it is not the will of God for me not to have a Job, but you see here is the point He has not given me a choice. I cannot work and it is very difficult knowing that I cannot go out everyday and provide for my family. This disease wears you down, causes depression, and causes you to withdraw from crowds because you feel unworthy to be in the same circles because you cannot do what they do. So it changes who you were. No I am not as outgoing as I once was, Life is not as fun as it once was, but can I change it? can I magically heal myself?  The obvious answer is no! So if I am not the person I once was just remember you do not know everything someone else is going through and you do not know how you would react when confronted with certain situations.
  I have been asked how my permanent vacation is. and if you think this is a permanent vacation you obviously do not know what you are taking about social security does not provide enough money for vacations. It provides me almost enough to pay my bills from month to month, and some have to overlap because the money is not there, so if you are thinking it is a permanent vacation talk to me about it sometime and I will be more than happy to explain it.
  I know that God has a plan for me, and my having this disease. I have learned many things in the last three years, but the why and what I do not know, and he does not have to answer those questions. When everything is taken away what do I have Left? Faith, Faith that the lord knows what he is doing in my life, because believe me this is not the road I would have chosen to walk, but it was chosen for me so I must walk it what other choice do I have? Yes, I have good days and bad days mentally, I sometimes wonder why I am left here, what purpose do I serve, but by faith I must believe there is one, or I have no hope. I do hope one day I will get to go back to work, but I have no control over that.
   Just remember there are times when I am weary, and  there are times I do not smile, but there is one who walks beside me and He will be with me! Just remembered that is the first line of a song that was sung by the Inspirations Quartet, and I first heard it as a child, and I can still remember it. even then God was preparing me for these times, and I just did not know it.
   I am thankful that sometimes I can still sing, because some with this disease cannot. I am thankful I can play at the guitar, I say that because I am not very good at it! but the Lord speaks to me through music.
   If I am am having a bad day and you run into me and I do not seem overjoyed, I apologize that is not my intent, but it just maybe that that I am having one of those discouraging days and just pray for me that the Lord would help me that day with the struggle I have. I am not perfect I do not deal with the disease as well as I should. I think my Mother and sister both have dealt with it better, but together the Lord and I are working on it.
    "You may think I am far away from where I need to be, but I know Jesus has his hand on me!"
If you read this I thank you, and please remember to keep my family in prayer. We are learning together, and we will not do it perfectly or how others might.My Only hope is in the Rock of Ages steadfast,secure forever It shall stand.  God bless