Aspiring Poet, heartfelt thoughts.I Have Dystonia, bipolar, and an Avid Southern Gospel Music fan

 Dystonia is a complex neurological movement disorder that manifests through involuntary muscle contractions, leading to repetitive movements or abnormal postures. It can affect various parts of the body, presenting a range of challenges for those who live with it. In this post, I aim to shed light on the nuances of dystonia, including my personal experience with generalized dystonia, and explore the different types and treatment options available. What is Dystonia? Dystonia is characterized by persistent muscle contractions that cause involuntary twisting and abnormal postures. This condition varies significantly among individuals, affecting a single muscle in some and multiple regions in others. The severity and areas impacted by dystonia can lead to different experiences, but the underlying struggle is universal. My Journey with Generalized Dystonia In my life, dystonia is genetic, manifesting as generalized dystonia, which means it affects multiple parts of my body. This type o...

Today was one of those days where I woke up feeling like a stranger in my own body. Dystonia had decided to assert itself more than usual, with muscles twisting and pulling in ways I couldn’t control. It’s a familiar dance of discomfort and unpredictability, but no matter how often it happens, it never gets easier. This physical turbulence was just the beginning, as it ushered in a deeper, more pervasive sense of depression. There’s an unsettling weight that accompanies these moments—a feeling like I’m being scrutinized by invisible eyes or that something ominous is lurking just out of sight. It’s as though a dark cloud has settled over my mind, casting long shadows on my thoughts and actions. I don’t know what’s coming, but the fear of it is enough to keep me constantly on edge. I spent most of the day in a quiet, reserved state, moving through the hours like I was underwater. Words felt heavy, and each sentence was an uphill climb. When someone asked me a question, my mind went blank...

 Welcome, readers. Today, I’m offering a candid exploration of manic depression—a condition that brings a unique blend of intense highs and profound lows into my life. Through personal anecdotes and reflections, I aim to shed light on the realities of living with this mental health condition, blending humor with heartfelt moments. Manic depression, often known as bipolar disorder, can turn life into a series of high-octane experiences. During manic episodes, I feel like an unstoppable force of nature, brimming with energy and creativity. It’s as if I’ve been handed a turbo boost, propelling me into a whirlwind of activity and ideas. For instance, I once found myself awake at 2 a.m., fervently discussing my latest grand plan with my wife—constructing a life-sized replica of the Starship Enterprise out of cardboard. At one point, I was absolutely convinced that I was Captain Kirk, heroically battling a Gorn in the living room. The “Gorn,” as it turned out, was the trash can—an advers...

 In fleeting moments, life drifts by,   Whispers of time, a silent sigh.   From Heaven’s vantage, I observe,   Are you prepared, with heart and nerve? When the call comes, swift and true,   What will you hear? What will you do?   In the stillness of the night,   Do you ponder what is right? Each heartbeat a precious gift,   A chance to mend, to heal, to lift.   What have you done with the Light I gave?   Will you stand firm, or will you cave? In your soul’s quiet quest,   Have you lived with grace, with zest?   Have you repented of your sins,   Or just found fault in others’ whims? I am the Truth, I am Jesus,   Whom thou crucified—might you be wrong?   Are you too proud to be reproved,   Or do you embrace the cutting asunder? In humility, have you embraced   The love and truth I’ve traced?   As you traverse this ea...

  Stress is an inevitable part of life, lurking in the background and waiting for the right moment to spring into action. It can be an important motivator, pushing us to meet deadlines or prepare for significant events. However, when stress crosses a certain threshold, it can become overwhelming and detrimental, particularly when it comes to our sleep. For many, especially those who have experienced traumatic events, stress can lead to insomnia—a debilitating condition where the mind races, and sleep becomes elusive. When we experience stress, our body enters a heightened state of alertness, often referred to as the "fight or flight" response. This is a mental mechanism designed to help us deal with immediate threats. However, in today’s world, stressors are often more chronic and less immediate, like work pressures, financial worries, or, in my case, the aftermath of a traumatic event. This heightened state of alertness can make it difficult for the mind to transition into...

                                                                                                                        In skies so vast where dreams take flight, Four souls embarked into the night. Jason, Amber, Kelly, and Nathan names we hold, Their stories of love and faith unfold. They lived in kindness, hearts so pure, Their actions spoke of faith’s allure. In every smile, each warm embrace, They showed us how to seek God's grace. God's hand took them away, Yet in our hearts, their love will stay. Though gone from us, they shine above, An endless testament of God's own love. Jason’s laughter, Amber’s care, Kelly’s spirit, bright and rare, Their lives were threads in Heave...

Today, I find myself grappling with a profound sense of loss that words can scarcely capture. The news of Amber, Jason, Nathan and Kelly Nelon's tragic passing in a plane crash has shattered the hearts of all who knew them. For years, they were not just voices on a stage but dear friends who became like family to me. Their music, a perfect blend of faith and harmony, touched thousands and left an everlasting imprint on our souls. I first met this family in 2016, and we instantly became friends. They were so loving and caring, welcoming me into their world with open arms. Their kindness and warmth were as genuine as their music was uplifting. The Nelons had a unique ability to transform the world around them with their music. Amber's voice was like a gentle breeze, pure and filled with grace, that carried the hope of her every song straight to our hearts. Jason’s harmonies were the comforting embrace that brought warmth and unity to their sound. And Kelly, with her rich and powe...

Today is my birthday, a day to pause and reflect on the many memories that have shaped my life. On this day in 1977, I was born, and it was a day marked by an unusual twist—our house was broken into and all of our things were stolen. I often joke that they’re still trying to figure out which one of us was the better choice! Growing up, Hudson Avenue Baptist Church was a cornerstone of my childhood. Brother Dennis Thomas was my first pastor, and his dedication to the church was inspiring. He was always doing something for the church and expected everyone else to be involved as well, almost like he thought we were all part of his personal volunteer army. His enthusiasm instilled in us what it was to be a true servant, leading by example and showing us the heart of service in everything he did—so much so that even on   days off, people might feel guilty for not showing up with a mop and bucket! When I was seven, my family went to help Brother Joe Watson with a new work he had starte...

  Oh boy, anxiety. Let’s talk about the glorious mess that is anxiety and how it differs from your everyday nervousness. Spoiler alert: one is like having a mildly annoying mosquito buzzing around your ear, and the other is like being trapped in a room with a swarm of killer bees. Fun times, right? So, picture this: you're about to give a presentation. Normal nerves are those little butterflies flapping around in your stomach. They're there, but you can still get through your presentation without wanting to crawl under the podium and stay there forever. You might sweat a bit, maybe stumble over a word or two, but overall, you survive. You might even pat yourself on the back afterward, thinking, "Hey, that wasn't so bad!" Now, enter clinical anxiety. This isn’t just butterflies—it’s like having a full-on Jurassic Park T-Rex stomping around in your head. Your heart races like it’s training for the Olympics, your mind spirals into a vortex of "What ifs,...

In the quiet of the dawn, where shadows softly blend, I watch my older sister, on whom my heart must depend. Rachael, through your daily storms, where tremors fiercely play, You hold a light so steadfast, as night turns into day. The world may not be watching, nor may they understand, The battles that you face each day, the trials life has planned. Yet in your eyes, there's strength unknown, a faith so deeply sown, That this is life as God decrees, a path where you have grown. Your pain, a silent symphony, that whispers through your skin, A testament to courage, a prayer that's deep within. And those who stand beside you, the heroes unsung true, They bear the weight of storms you face, their love a faithful view. In their arms, a shelter forms, a haven from your plight, Their care, a beacon in the dark, a warmth that feels so right. Through every storm that lashes, through every twist and turn, Their love, a steady guiding light, as hearts continue to yearn. For Rachael, your u...

  Ever had one of those days where everyone else seems to have had a grand adventure, and you're left wondering if you were even there? That’s exactly what happened during in one of our many trips to Missouri. We went there to help a friend clean out his house before he moved. It was supposed to be a day of camaraderie, hard work, and maybe a little nostalgia. Instead, for me, it turned into a complete blank slate—a Missouri mystery, if you will. I woke up the next morning feeling oddly disoriented. My wife found me sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at a picture on my phone of the kids in a treehouse. “When did we take this?” I asked, genuinely puzzled. She laughed and said, “Yesterday, remember?” Apparently, we’d spent the day sorting through our friend’s belongings and packing up boxes. He was reminiscing about old times, though we hadn’t known him long enough to share those memories. We even managed to squeeze in a trip to Subway for lunch. According to my wife, I was the ...

 Alright, folks, buckle up because today we’re diving into the wild, unpredictable world of schizophrenia. If you’ve ever seen the movie "Inside Out," you know how emotions like Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust run the show in Riley's head. Now, imagine those emotions have gone rogue and brought along some friends: Delusion, Hallucination, and Paranoia. Welcome to my brain. In "Inside Out," Joy is the bright, perky leader who tries to keep everything positive. She’s like the cheerleader of the emotions, always ready to turn a frown upside down. In my head, Joy is there, but she’s often wrestling with Hallucination, who thinks it’s hilarious to sprinkle in some visual and auditory surprises. Picture Joy trying to plan a fun day, and Hallucination pops up like, “Hey, wouldn’t it be fun if we saw a dragon in the living room?” Not today, Hallucination, not today. Sadness in "Inside Out" is that blue, mopey character who just wants to lie down and...

  In days gone by, his hands were strong, With hammer and nails, he'd craft a song, A stalwart man, who stood so tall, For Within the church body, he gave his all. In every task, he chased his dreams, For his family, he toiled with pride, With love and strength, he did provide. His wife, his children, they all knew, The depths of love that always grew, In every board, in every stone, His heart, his soul, his love was shown. He'd lend a hand to one in need, In every deed, in every creed, A willing heart, so kind and true, For anybody, he'd see it through. But time, that thief, began its creep, Through memories, it sought to seep, The names, the faces, blurred in mist, Moments of joy, and sorrow that now he'd missed. His mind is bound in chains, yet free, His soul released by His decree, His Savior's love, a guiding light, Through darkest days, through longest night. His faith in his Savior was ever strong, A guiding light, a sacred song,...

 Life can often feel overwhelming, especially when we are grappling with our own set of challenges. Whether it's managing a chronic illness, dealing with mental health issues, or navigating personal crises, our problems can become all-consuming. It's natural to focus inward when we are struggling, but sometimes, in doing so, we can forget to look up and see that others around us are facing battles of their own. When we are in the throes of our difficulties, it's easy to believe that our problems are the center of the universe. Yet, taking a step back and looking around can offer a refreshing perspective. Everyone has their own story, their own struggles, and their own moments of despair. By acknowledging this, we can cultivate empathy and understanding, which not only benefits others but also enriches our own lives. Helping others can be a powerful antidote to our own pain. Acts of kindness, no matter how small, can create a ripple effect that spreads positivity and hope. W...

  Living with a walking tornado of mental quirks like myself isn't exactly a walk in the park. If you've ever wondered what it's like to navigate life with someone who has more mental wires crossed than a plate of spaghetti, let me introduce you to my wife — the unsung hero who somehow manages to keep our ship afloat amidst my daily mental acrobatics. A typical morning in our household feels like a scene from a comedy of errors. I wake up with the enthusiasm of a sloth on a Monday morning, unsure if I'm gearing up for a manic high or a deep dive into the abyss of depression. Meanwhile, my wife, armed with a glass of unsweet tea and a resolve as solid as Mount Everest, faces the challenge of deciphering whether today calls for motivational pep talks or strategic retreats into the comfort of our blanket fort. She's mastered the art of discerning between my "creative genius" moments (which usually involve grandiose plans to reorganize my hats or shoes) an...

 Ah, the manic episode – that turbo-charged, full-throttle joyride through life where sleep is optional, ideas are boundless, and every impulse is the best idea ever. If only there was a manual on how to slow down this runaway train! Buckle up, folks, because we’re about to embark on a rollercoaster ride through the challenges of taming that manic beast, with a little humor to keep us sane. First, let’s be real. When I’m in the throes of a manic episode, everything seems like a brilliant idea. Start a new business selling glow-in-the-dark pet rocks? Genius! Buy 300 feet of chicken wire for no apparent reason? Absolutely! But recognizing that I’m in a manic episode is the first step to slowing down. Imagine I’m a superhero with a very inconvenient superpower: the ability to do absolutely everything, all at once, but with zero follow-through. My superhero name? Captain Mania. Now, Captain Mania, it’s time to hang up the cape (at least for a while). Remember that one time I thought my...

 So, I had another riveting session with my psychiatrist recently, and let's just say, the news wasn't exactly a ticker-tape parade of joy. She looked at me with that professional but concerned face and said, "Your mental health condition is progressing." And I thought to myself, "Great, now it's ambitious!" I asked her the million-dollar question: "Can I go back to work?" She responded with a strict "no" so definitive that even my coffee cup looked disappointed. Apparently, my brain has decided to take a more scenic route through life, with lots of unexpected detours and pit stops. It's like having a GPS that says, "In 100 feet, take the exit to Crazy town." But let's sprinkle a bit of humor into this mental health cocktail, shall we? After all, if you can't laugh at your own brain, who can you laugh at? Living with manic depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and those ever-delightful dystonic spasms is l...

 Imagine this: a group of bananas sitting around discussing the best ways to navigate a bunch of grapes. One banana, let's call him Bob, starts talking about how to deal with grape-induced anxiety. Bob is a perfectly ripe banana, mind you—never been near a grape in his life. But here he is, giving advice to the rest of the bananas on how to handle grape-related stress. Sounds ridiculous, right? Well, welcome to the world of mental health advocacy by those who’ve never experienced a mental illness! Picture a coconut trying to explain to a banana how to peel itself. The coconut, with its hard shell and completely different insides, has no idea what it's like to be a banana. But still, it insists on giving advice. “Just peel back your skin! It’s simple!” says the coconut. Meanwhile, the banana is left thinking, “If only it were that easy, Mr. Coconut.” This is what it feels like when someone without mental illness tries to speak on behalf of those who do. They have no clue what it...

 When life throws us a curveball, we learn how to catch it. Our family’s journey from living in a spacious 1800 square foot house to a cozy 42-foot camper is one of those moments. This decision, driven by love,  necessity, and the desire to provide the best care for my wife’s father who lives with dementia, marks a significant chapter in our lives. This is our story of adaptation, resilience, and finding joy in unexpected places. As my father-in-law’s dementia progresses, he needs constant care. My mother-in-law can no longer manage on her own, and at the same time, I lose my job. It feels like God is guiding us to make a change. Moving to the family farm and living in a camper becomes the best option to provide the care he needs and support my mother-in-law. We park our trailer at the base of the hill, while my father-in-law lives in a house just up the hill from us. Moving from a large house to a camper means serious downsizing. We make tough decisions about what to keep and...

 Living with schizophrenia and bipolar manic depression often feels like navigating a turbulent sea. The waves of emotions, the whirlpool of thoughts, and the storms of symptoms can be overwhelming. Yet, amidst this chaos, one lifeline has consistently helped me stay afloat: humor. Laughter is a powerful antidote to stress, pain, and conflict. It lightens our burdens, inspires hope, connects us to others, and keeps us grounded, focused, and alert. For those of us grappling with mental health conditions like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, humor can be a vital coping mechanism. In the throes of a manic episode or the depths of a depressive one, finding something to laugh about might seem impossible. Yet, I've found that even in the darkest moments, there can be a glimmer of humor. It might be in the absurdity of a situation, the irony of a thought, or even in the way my dogs bark at different things right when I need a distraction. Living with schizophrenia often means dealing w...

   Living with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, manic depression, and dystonic spasms is a complex and challenging experience, especially when it impacts my ability to maintain employment. Losing a job due to these intertwined conditions is not only a blow to my financial stability but also to my self-esteem and mental well-being. Schizophrenia and bipolar disorder drastically alter my perception, mood, and behavior. Schizophrenia can cause hallucinations, delusions, and disorganized thinking, making it hard to function in a typical work environment. Bipolar disorder brings extreme mood swings, from manic highs to depressive lows, affecting my energy levels, decision-making, and social interactions. Manic depression exacerbates these mood swings, making the highs and lows even more intense. When these mental health issues are compounded by dystonic spasms, which cause painful and involuntary muscle contractions, the physical toll further hinders my ability to perform job tasks...